This is a story I wrote in the rawest, freshest moments after Malia's death. I share it in alignment my total surrender to the event. It's more than a bit confused, yes. Sometimes I dont know if I'm writing in 1st or 3rd person, and the grammar is terrible. Sometimes it was easier to write it like a fairytale, and sometimes, I didn't feel like it was me wriing it at all... Anyway. It's part of the journey, and giving it away helps me somehow to thank her for the inspiration.
Some things are best shared with images, some things are better felt with music, some stories are best told with words.
The Story of AJ and Malia.
To the Edges of All
They Danced and Laughed with Delight
For the Freedom.
How does one begin a story of truth, when one does not understand all that will happen therein… least of all, how it may end…?
Apparently, one begins in a van that won't start. By a river in the mountains that she loved. In the silence. And at the first moment that one could feel back into all that had happened, and not completely loose oneself…
His name was AJ. He'd grown up in a home, not unlike other homes, with a family, not unlike other families… AJ embodied a strong spirit of adventure. Something within him pushed him to the edges of his being, and he learned a great many things there. He always pushed himself, because he knew he could. It was his choice. He always challenged himself, and overcame the challenge. And for the longest time, he never met another person who understood why he pushed himself so hard, to the edges of his being. And people would say:
"Don't be silly AJ… You'll kill yourself…" And stuff like that.
And that was fine, for he knew that although he loved to go to the edges, and he learnt a great many things there, by overcoming fears, and stepping out of comfort zones, he also knew that what was right for him was not necessarily right for someone else, and so he didn’t push others as he chose to push himself. And he was always glad to push himself further and further, because in time, through his own free choice, he came to know himself as strong, fearless, capable and able to achieve anything he put his mind to. He learnt to do back flips, and handstands, and to dive from cliffs and bridges, and to climb and jump great heights and distances, to drum and play music, and at the edges of his all, as he overcame his fears and limitations, he would laugh with delight for the freedom of it. And nothing else mattered, and he trusted himself completely…
And once upon another time and place, there was a girl called Malia. She too embodied a spirit of fearlessness, playfulness and adventure. And she knew how to flow. She had a big brother who was good and strong, and he inspired her to climb as well, and run as fast as him and all his friends, and on her skateboard and her snowboard, she would fly with grace and speed, balanced on the cutting edge of time. And she would laugh with delight as she flew through the moment of here and now, balanced on the edges of the all, for the freedom of it. And nothing else compared or mattered much. And she came to know herself as brilliant, and unlimited, and fearless, and passionate, and beautiful and free.
Malia and AJ both lived full, adventurous lives in the world of people and dreams, and by different paths, learnt many of the same things. And one day, by the great cosmic mystery of interconnectedness, their paths met. And they fell in love with each other instantly.
Each had never met another who seemed to understand them so easily and so completely. Malia would read AJ's mind all the time, and they seemed to agree on everything. Completely. And together they laughed in delight with the freedom of it.
One day, on a beach, Malia looked at the sand, and considered. AJ noticed her considering straight away. Then she said, after momentary consideration:
"I wana do a back flip."
"Go on then." Said AJ, and sat down to watch her.
Malia looked at him, because usually people would say to her things like:
"Don't be silly Malia… You'll kill yourself!". And stuff like that.
But AJ knew what was possible. This was just a road that he'd already been down and Malia hadn't, yet. But he knew she could if she wanted, and so he did a back flip for her, to show her what she could do.
And she was delighted! She'd never seen him do a back flip before. She hadn't yet known that it was one of the many roads that he'd been down on his way to meeting her.
And she considered it for a moment…. And then did a back flip. And another. And another.
And she laughed with delight for the freedom.
The first night that they slept together, Malia lay near to AJ on her side facing away from him.
AJ saw the skin of her neck, and feeling playfull and free, he wanted to bite it.
"I wanna bite you." He said.
"Do it!" She murmured without a heartbeats hesitation, already squirming with delight at the thought of it...
Another day, Malia took AJ climbing… up a huuuuge 60 m three pitch vertical cliff face! It was just one of the many pathways that she'd been down on her way to meeting him, but for him, it was bigger than the biggest thing that he'd ever even thought of climbing. But he'd decided that he trusted her as he trusted himself, and he trusted himself completely.
Malia showed AJ how to use the ropes, and she started to climb. At the very start, when she was just off the ground, she said:
"Be ready, in case I fall, to protect my little head…"
And AJ promised himself that he would do anything he could to protect her body if she fell, because he loved her…
So together they climbed to the top of the cliff, in three stages, with Malia leading. AJ was terrified, because he wasn't use to trusting ropes and belaying and climbing cliffs, but she was so encouraging, and gentle and loving that it was easy, and he felt like he floated up the cliff just to be there with her. And at the top of each climb, she met him with a kiss..
At the very top, on a little ledge, they opened themselves to the all, and took in the view, and they laughed with delight for the freedom of it, and the glory of it.
Later, driving home, Malia said:
"Stop!"
So AJ stopped. She jumped into the back of the van, and grabbed her skateboard. Then she wound down the window, grabbed onto the van and shouted:
"GO!"
So AJ went. He trusted her completely. And when he felt like he was going just the right speed for her, she pushed herself forward in front of the van at the top of a hill and yelled:
"Yiiippppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!"
She flew down the hill on her own, carving graceful arks on her edge of the here and now, laughing with delight for the joy of it.
AJ saw her and he felt her spirit soar and loved her all the more. And he promised himself that his love for her would never seek to limit or restrict her in any way, lest it restrict that freeness and boldness and trust which he loved about her. This, he believed, was the great secret of true love. Instead, he trusted her as he trusted himself, and he trusted himself completely.
One night, after a long, beautiful fire bath on the shores of a lake in the mountains where she lived, amongst all of the beasts of the earth and the sky, and the moon and the stars and the clear heavens, Malia said:
"I know a place where we can sleep tonight."
So after their bath, they drove…
Soon, AJ looked at the road ahead, and then at Malia.
She looked at him, and then at the road.
It had rocks sticking up like sharp teeth in the headlights, between holes whose bottoms could not be seen.
"It'll be alright!" she said.
AJ looked at her and grinned with delight! Usually, at times like this, people said stuff like:
"I dunno AJ, we might get stuck…" And stuff like that. Which was very sensible, and obviously true, but such a statement would pave the way for blame. And blame is an interesting thing. Not an equal or shared thing…
But Malia had already, effortlessly in an instant wiped away the possibility that she may hold AJ to blame if they got stuck, and as a result, his spirit of adventure flared up, and they carried on the rocky road to the remote lakeside secret spot.
Soon they came to a place where a river had left small, loose, beautiful stones of crystal which formed a sand that shone in the headlights. It looked beautiful. And deep. Malia bounced in her seat with excitement, and advised:
"You might have to go faster through this bit!"
And they did. And they floated through effortlessly. And eventually, after many twists and turns, they came to the spot.
And it was beautiful.
And that night, as they loved each other, over the grass, between the trees, beside the lake, amongst all the creatures of creation, surrounded by the mighty mountains, beneath the full moon, and the galaxies of stars and space dust, and before the heavens and the Gods and Goddesses of all creation, their bodies, minds, hearts and souls, their spirits, to the edges of their all, laughed and danced with joy and delight for the love of it, and the ecstasy of it, and the joy of it, the synchronicity of it, and the freedom of it..
In the morning they talked about their hopes and dreams. And they were filled with hope and joy, for their dreams had become shared, and nothing seemed difficult. But they were both wise, and after they'd talked about how amazing it would be to live their dreams together, they agreed that they could not know all that the future may hold for them, and that remaining un attached to the dreams in life was the key to living each moment fully, present to the moment, without comparisons to other moments and without expectations, but with a spirit of thanks and appreciation for the magic of every moment, and the potential therein…
Later they went to a tree that Malia wanted to climb with AJ. They ran and rolled and flipped and cart wheeled and tussled and played all the way to the tree. The tree was HUGE…
Malia started to climb and AJ followed. In the lowest branches, they climbed quickly. AJ raced up the other side of the trunk as fast as he could. He was fast.
"Are you racing me?" Asked Malia.
"No...." replied AJ
"You are racing me!" Declared Malia with delight.
And together, exactly, they climbed to the top as fast as they could.
In the topmost branches, AJ stopped, and Malia climbed the last way herself. Perched in the top of the mighty tree she could survey her whole realm, as a Queen of the Natural Universe.
AJ went down a few branches to where the bows were strong, and lay back on one to watch her. He was filled with love. Soon she came down and sat on him, and they talked about life and love and how beautiful it was and how wonderful it was to meet someone who shared their understanding of the secrets of love, of letting go and not holding on, and they blessed all that had brought them their lessons and understandings and they laughed with delight in the freedom of it.
And they began to climb down and a little further down they stopped again for the joy of the view and the company and the sacredness of the high places that they visited together. And this time they sat opposite each other in the tree. And they continued to talk and dream and delight in each others beautiful grace and divine energy. And AJ told Malia how he'd promised himself that he would never limit or hold her in any way, because he loved her. And their souls danced in the joy of complete belonging in unconditional love and acceptance and unlimited freedom.
And then there was
A
Tiny
Sound…
"SNAP"
And AJ looked to see the beautiful Malia topple backwards off her branch, her hand holding a tiny snapped twig, a slightly perplexed look on her face as she looked at it…
At first he thought that it was a very silly trick. But before his eyes she fell. And all he could do was watch in disbelief as falling further and further away from him she tried to grab onto something, but her fall was speeding up, as falls do. And he watched with horror as her head struck a huge branch of this mighty tree. And after that she fell very calmly. And after the briefest terrified and helpless moments, AJ could no longer see Malia. He could only hear her fall, as her limp body struck branch after branch…
…all…
…the way…
…..to the bottom…..
………of the great tree…..
And by the time she got to the bottom, every part of her beautiful body was completely broken. And she was dead…
That was three weeks ago, yesterday, as I write these words….
And now I'm in my van alone again, by one of the many spots we'd talked about together. I would have loved to share it with her. Natural hot springs by a river in the mountains. When I returned from the hot springs to my van, the van wouldn't start. And the rain was coming down. I tried to push it, and I kept slipping. And getting eaten by sand flies. So I looked at my calendar. Today is our day, according to the Mayan calendar. It's the day that our energies combine to make. So I got a pen and a pad, and started to write our story. It's all true.
In a single moment, everything changes. I'm a new person. Violently reinvented. Humbled and ruptured. Only half here now, peeled back still more to the beauty, and the fleeting nature of it. To the love and to the tragedy.
There are so many lessons in this story. Different lessons for different people. There is so much which is obscured to us in life. So much that I don’t understand. But she was a being of love, not of fear. This was her example. And she lived it, fully. She lived. So much.
But whoever you are, and however you interpret these words, hear this:
We don't know what may happen next. And so this time here and now is a precious gift. Life may be short, so why stand in judgment of ourselves or each other? You are the only person who can set yourself free. Freedom and inspiration waits for you now, and the only way there is by living your moments fully and noticing the miracles of life with a sense of gratitude and awe. Living your beliefs with love acceptance and faith. And that's not easy. Believe me… But if her death and these words might inspire a single other person to live more, then my faith may be affirmed, and her grace may yet be far greater than I ever even imagined…
Malia, my angel. To the edges of my being, I love you. Live on through all that I do from this day on, that I may strive to live up to your perfect memory in my blessed time with you.
Arohanui, now and forever. Bless you and thank you, Malia my Angel. Be at peace and know you are sooooooooooo loved in this realm.
You came into my life complete, without any need, without any lack. Full of fun and laughter, joy and love. With a will to open, connect and give love. You met me gently, lovingly and playfully on all levels. You accepted me completely. And you honored me with a love more pure than any man could ever ask.
Now the greatest challenge I've ever imagined is mine. To live up to my promise to you. To love you in your greatest, freest expression of yourself. Your unlimited essence.
You pushed me, encouraged me gently and lovingly. You delighted and inspired me. You gave into my experience, the perfect love. And to the edges of my being, I loved and still love your beautiful soul. And in the mighty gravity of our shared love, you left me with the perfect wound. Now I would nurture the perfect gift form the perfect wound that I and all may rise higher and greater than ever before in honor of your perfect soul.
My Malia, my love. I would not burden you in death, just as not in life. You have my love, my blessing, my Aroha. But I open myself to you on all levels, now and forever. I offer this invitation to you. There's a home for you in my being, in my heart. Come any time. Wake me up, love me, any time. Feel my love for you every time. Your energy is forever welcome in my being. Bless you my Angel Malia. Bless you. Live on in me.
Part 2.
And what could he do except tell all of his love for her?
Her beautiful energy. Her grace. Her acceptance. Her divine example. Her love. And how could he remember her and not cry till he thought he’d die. And how could he ever find her again amongst all the universe? Such were the questions demanded by his despair…
And how could he remember her and not suffer the heartbreak and loss? I don’t know and I don’t care. But if the price of the ultimate love is the ultimate pain, then crucify me. And if it is within my soul to pay the ultimate price for having experienced her beautiful grace, blessings, and love, then I’ll pay it willingly. And if from the edge of all, the keeper of the universe should find my soul too empty to pay the balance, then I need be forgiven for somehow tasting more deeply than my worth, and still I’ll offer my all, willingly. Complete surrender before the completeness of this love.
But, if it is so, that the greater truth is this; that the experience of the pain and loss and separation may prevent me from receiving and experiencing the love and guidance and grace of the newly reborn Angel Malia, then may I cast it off like an old garment and stand naked in the light and magic of the divinity of the eternal spirit of perfect love.
Enter me. Live through me. Guide me. Use me.
The Story of Malia and AJ part 2.
His writing felt freer now. He might write words more feeling like bells and pixies, and the quiet places by the river when the sun was setting and the crickets sang. The way they only did when no-one was there, but spirits moved easily… Gotta be quiet…
And free. Freer now. Bit unstuck. Which was understandable… Anyway, who really knew what was possible. What could be channeled. What could be accomplished with one body hosting twin souls? Writing was fun. Both souls playfully delighted with the concept, and in their one heart they laughed with delight for the freedom.
And together they would drum and dance and witness nature and climb and dream and play. And they would watch in awe as creation continued to unfold around and through them… And where the love met the pain, and the love and the pain were one, they would laugh till they cried, and they would cry till they laughed once more…
Pieces of understanding fell into place in fairly random clumps, understanding didn’t happen all at once. But sometimes things happened, or were remembered, that made AJ take notice, and even take note. Like this…
“You can’t help me if you fall too”, which was the first thing he heard, after the thud of her beautiful body finally reaching the ground… Which seemed like good advice, and so the program: GET DOWN THE TREE, DON’T FALL began running automatically. And when he reached the bottom branch, and saw her lying there, for an infinitely brief moment, he felt a sense of total peace and perfection, which was promptly and completely obliterated by panic and horror.
Then everything was a horrible blur and a nightmare of witnessing the point blank “real world” face of the death experience. With all the special effects and makeup of nature, in all her glory and horror.
Getting help seemed to take an eternity.
The ambulance staff were at the same time superheroes, and incompetent beyond belief.
The drive to the hospital following the helicopter which had sped her away was a nightmare ride through a long dark storm tunnel, while shielding the tiny flickering flame of hope against death.
Although he knew that she was dead, he hated himself for even entertaining the idea. And his consciousness battled away in the dark tunnel to protect the precious flame of the life of his beloved against the overwhelming stormy darkness of the latest chapter of creation unfolding.
The Doctors report at the hospital fuelled his rebellion at creation a thousand fold. The statement that her injuries were un-survivable was despicable. Call yourself a doctor. Disgust. Get away and let me set to healing. Let me be with her. With love. GO!!!
And he became quiet with her broken, unconscious body, he remembered.
Time. Gotta stay agile… The pieces of understanding are strewn all around in it. Here’s a funny one, from a couple of days before… from Malia:
“If I ever had a bad fall, and my body was badly damaged, I wouldn’t want to come back…”
So he whispered to her, and stroked her beautiful head, and remembered his promises to her, and told her again and again, that if she wanted to, she could come back, and that he was there to help her heal in any and every way he could. But he felt, with a world shattering, soul tearing intensity, the moment that she left her body. And he stayed with her body, for days and nights until the surgeons came to remove her organs for donation…
And she didn’t come back.
The pieces move, we’re left behind, but she can fly again...
It’s amazing how even while the pieces of our understanding are scattered through our time, somehow we can find our way from place to place, just in “time” to meet the next messenger, with the next puzzle piece, as they move through their “life” in their “time”…
AJ, Freja, Malias housemate and friend, and Stephen, her surrogate father, drove back to the beautiful river she had so blissfully lived by. By the beautiful lake in the mountains that had been blessed by so much of her life, in an infinitesimal moment of the mountains life. And it was beautiful. And he was devastated. In the morning, when after Freja had spoken of her dream of a heart in a box, which haunted AJ with images of surgeons removing organs from her bodily temple, in his grief, his heart screamed out:
“Why did you leave me???” And, “If you loved me, then why would you go??” And, in his pain, confusion, and flaring anger: “Did you really love me?? Then why??”
As if in answer, Freja spoke of Malias crystals, and AJ was reminded of a time, several times, in fact, when Malia had told him that she had a crystal she wanted to give to him. A Labridorite, was all that she’d said. And he told Freja, through his tears, with a spooky detachment and numbness.
She leapt down from her bed, and produced a box. And from the box, a heart shaped crystal. A Labridorite. Her only Labridorite crystal. A heart in a box. A symbol of love. And Freja handed it to AJ, and Malia answered his crying heart with avalanches of love, and his heart broke still more, and he felt her crying with him, and their love was affirmed, but still, the why went unanswered…
The crystal heart of course held it’s own keys, and it’s deeper meaning was yet to reveal itself.
Later, in stunned disbelief, he sat at the frosty outdoor table, which looked across the sapphire river to the mountains, and because it felt like she could hear him, he wrote:
Malia, my angel. The first snows have dusted your mountains, the first frosts have come. It’s beautiful…
This wasn’t what I meant when I said I wanted you to be free. There’s so much I wanted to share with you. I don’t understand. I don’t know where to go from here. My dreams feel grey now. But I don’t want to be a burden on you. Not now, just as not in life. I hope that nothing I said pushed you away. The pain of this loss is more than I can comprehend. You inspired and encouraged me to the edges of my being. When we made love by the lake, I loved you more completely than I’d ever even imagined love could be. I thought we could have had a future together… Maybe a family. And now I just don’t understand. I know that you must know all this already. I know that you felt all this. Why did you go? I believe that you are in a beautiful place now, at peace and enlightenment, again. And now I must live up to my promise to you. To love you in your greatest and most complete freedom. To not ask or need anything of you, to not hold or restrict you in any way.
But this is not what I meant.
To the edges of my being I love your pure soul. I don’t know where that is now. There’s so much I don’t know. How will I find you when I want to talk to you? When I want to see you?
Is it really true that I can’t hold you and nurture you and stroke you to bliss and love you in your person ever again?
Do you retain your identity in death? Or are you now in the clouds and rivers and the songs of the birds and whales with all else of the essence of life? That stuff was already beautiful before! It didn’t need your beauty!!
My Malia. My Angel. You gave me so much. I thank you from the depths of my being. Bless you, my Angel, bless you. Thank you for the music. It’s all for you now.
Time… The treasures of our souls knowing are hidden through it, and it seems that our life is our souls journey to travel through it in a blinkered bodily awareness, in order to recover them, and remember them, that we might then understand something, in time to die…
It’s now dusk in the hills near Byron Bay, and it’s the 21st of June. Solstice. Her birthday. Lifetimes have passed, and we have learnt so much. And we are learning the ways of the love which will transcend time, and space, and death. Maybe for me it’s enough to know that there are things that I don’t even know I don’t know. It’s been shown to me in many subtle ways. Shown to me in realms where the rationality of “grown up” thought just can’t touch. This intuitive feeling. This whisper on the wind. Her presence is far reaching, as the winds, as the tides, as the stars and beyond. And she speaks in places that even intuition has to bluff its way into. The “bing” of the yin and the yang. Where both science and art, feeling and reason, spring from. Where love and pain are one.
I’m one man. One who knows he is loved by pure spirit. And that gives me strength…
We travel through time now. And the pieces of understanding are brought together by me with her, and through this writing, despite time, you might travel through it to some points of my understanding, and maybe you will gain something from our story. And maybe your ideas about death will be changed. And maybe your ideas about life will be changed. And maybe your ideas about love will be changed. Perhaps it is my life’s work, being enhanced and affirmed right now by you. Or maybe not… maybe I’m just crazy… but regardless, I thank you, for your life, for your being, and for taking the time. Malia smiles and giggles… As for us living ones, it seems there is no knowing, there’s only belief. And as my belief grows, so too does my experience of those beliefs.
And it is my belief now that she and I are together forever, with a love sealed in eternity by the magic of creation, twin souls spanning time, space, dimensions, death.
I have a full time guardian angel with me forever. One that I had the pleasure of meeting and loving in the flesh. How lucky I am…
And now more about the stillness in the early morning or evening when the light is soft and low and tinted by sunset hues, by the pool in the river at the base of the beautiful unseen, unknown waterfall in the inaccessible parts of the virgin bush, where the fairies come out and pray for the souls of the warrior spirits choosing life in these testing times of suffering and confusion. And of how those fairies delight in the simple things, and they play with the reflections. And their joy and stories bring meaning to life, and life brings inspiration to spirit. And they turn summersaults with the butterflies in their flight .And they bless all.
And they laugh and dance with delight for the freedom…
Or we might write of the call of the mountains ancient stillness. The delicate unseen beauty as the first light of day strikes creations newest wind-born water crystal over the summit of earths highest mountain. For these are her spaces. Some of her bodies ashes (with some of mine) grace those monumental Himalayas…
And by some un-explainable magic, she is there and here at once. And with so many others too. With you, if you will, for you are coming to know her through the curiosity which holds you to these words. And always she is here with me. I feel her so strongly, and so clearly. And I feel like a much better person for it, and it has been affirmed to me in so many ways, of which you are welcome to hear of, if you should choose to read more of our writing….
Now the birds sing their chorus of laughter, and courtship and celebration, and warning. .. And she folds me in her love, and whispers her thanks to me for taking the time and noticing, and her love for me, which I wish I could hug and stroke and nurture in the physical again.
Nothing stops. Everything’s changing always, all ways. And so I cry again for the pain of the separation, and my longing to be with her again.. And after a while and some tears, she suggests that maybe we go inside again and play drums with the beautiful crew that she’s brought me to…
Time warp…
The drive up to the home of her family for the funeral was more beautiful than could ever be described. From the mountains and the lakes and the high places, in convoy led by Malia’s van, they descended through wild bushy mountain passes to the rugged west coast that she had loved so much, and after much driving and guidance and signs by hawks and falcons, they came alongside the coast as the sun set, and took time to connect with the beauty of the mighty ocean, the waves which had whipped to water to foam, the wind which whisked the foam into spiraling tornadoes of playfulness and power. And the great sun gentled by the richness of the earthly atmosphere, as it moved behind cloud and haze to hide once more below the horizon.
And on they drove, swapping vehicles and passengers so that all could have a turn driving Malia’s van, and feeling what it felt like to be the pilot of her ship, on it’s course to meet with all the heartbroken beings freshly coming to terms with the terrible tragic news.
And once they arrived, Rose, Malias mum, and Mark, her brother took AJ aside to show him something they’d found when going through her things. An envelope. Clearly written on the front:
“Do not open until 2007”, and inside a list… And AJ read in disbelief, as the same, peaceful, dreamy surreal feeling came about him that he’d felt at the bottom of the tree, and so many times with her while they loved life together…
Time warp again…
Back to the morning of the fall, when Malia had taken AJ by the hand, led him to her van, and inside, had produced a box full of journals, photos and memories. And for some reason, she had taken him through the whole lot. The journey of her life and her travels in the world. And AJ had been amazed by the love that she expressed for all of the people along the way who had been a part of her journey, even those who had wronged her, tried to steal from her, tried to take advantage of her. He remembered how for the briefest moment her brow had furrowed as she told of the guide who’d taken her into the Sahara, and then tried to change the cost, or method of payment, but she’d concluded that:
“Yeah, but these were the people of my journey, and I love them all…”…
Time warp…
And now, AJ held in his hands, a list of all the things she’d wanted to do. And as AJ read through the list, he knew beyond any doubt, because of that morning, that every single thing on that list she had done. Brilliantly. With flying colors, and full marks, above and beyond how it was written…
Later, AJ sat by the tree where Mark and Malia had built a huge swing, one that she’d told him about, and the previous night they’d all played on. He went to write. To write the words he’d give to all her people, all those who’d loved her, all those who’d gathered, when he spoke at the funeral. And he cried and despaired and his heart broke again, and again, and he thought he’d die, and the words flowed like beautiful tragic poetry, and the wind wept. And when his tragic poetry was written, only then did he think to ask her what she might like to say through him, instead of just expressing his own feelings of loss and grief… And as though she’d been patiently but expectantly waiting, she launched full power into her message, and his pen could barely keep up…
“Nothing stops! Nothing stops!! It’s all changing, always, all ways! So have no fear. Live in Love. Love in Truth. Fly in Spirit! You are all beautiful, UNLIMITED! And I will see you all again!! It’s guaranteed by forever!!”
The funeral was remembered for drumming and dancing and music. Everyone who spoke to AJ said that it was the most beautiful funeral that they’d ever been to, and that their story was the most beautiful one that they’d ever heard. AJ didn’t think it was so beautiful… and as the people began to disperse back into the world, and things began to slow down again, the reality was just beginning to settle around AJ.
Grief is a powerful thing. And a thing which is more than capable of sustaining itself, and obscuring all else. Love is a powerful thing too. And love tasted so deeply leaves the scar of the pain of the transience of life, and all in it, on any being or beautiful sunset or mountain range. This is the nature of love, and life, and time. Such was the course of the love tasted by Malia and AJ, and the intensity and depth was far far greater than AJ could yet even begin to imagine…
Shaken, and confused. Adrift. He wasn’t so sure that he trusted himself completely. He lived in questions. His nights were long and dark and dreamless. He didn’t find her in the dream realms. And because of the promises he’d made to her, he didn’t know how to reach out to her, or if he should even try to, for he’d told her he’d never be a burden to her in life, and he intended to keep his promise in death too. And despite his lifelong belief and experience of his intimate connection with the spirit realm, now that all was put to the test, he realized that he knew nothing. Nothing at all. At night, he’d peel his heart back to its most vulnerable core, and invite the angel Malia to visit him, opened to the universe to the point of complete nakedness and lostness, but he did not find her in his dreams. In fact it was a long time before he dreamed at all.
But despite this, the pieces of understanding continued to seep in, as inevitable as a rising tide.
It was about two weeks after the fall, and most of the people who had gathered and remained beyond the funeral had since departed. AJ stayed with Malias surrogate father, Stephen, and Vasumi was around. She’d been around a lot, since AJ had first met her. Jump back in time again, to about a week before the fall, when AJ and Vasumi had first met. Interestingly, it was at the same time that Malia had first met her too, although Malia had been in contact with Vasumi for about five years. The topic of their interaction was Mayan astrology, something which AJ had an awareness of, but was not involved with. Vasumi was the expert… She’d written the book. And it was her who pointed out shortly after their first meeting, that Malia and AJ were each others exact opposite on the wheel. Each others perfect balance, and challenge. To challenge in order to strengthen, was what the book said about that. And when Vasumi noticed, in their first meeting, she’d said to AJ;
“That’s why you and Malia are so close, and so connected…”
Jump ahead. Two weeks after the fall again, and Stephen, gently:
“Did you see the Mayan journal? What it said about the day of the fall?”
Apparently, a couple of nights earlier, when AJ was not around, they’d had a night of exploring Mayan astrology, and the day of the fall had been noticed. A World Bridger day. A World Bridger day guided by it’s own power doubled. Which meant nothing to AJ, actually. So he flipped to the front of the journal, and found the symbol, and read:
“Creation of death. Death and dying. Change. A good day to die…”
And he stared in disbelief. Back to the page of the fated day, the support glyph – a couple of bars and a line and more bars under it… and he found the symbol in the front of the book:
“Skywalker. Transcending dimensions…. Exploring new realms…”
More disbelief, but an increasing sense of being resigned to the weird and miraculous yet unknowable and challenging nature of their journey together…
Back to the day again… the challenge glyph – a block and a spiral and some wavy lines…
“The Warrior. The challenge to remain fearless and faith-full, no matter what comes…” He almost burst at that. One more glyph. One more aspect to the Mayan interpretation of that day… The hidden energy of the day. An eye and some lines, and… a beak? Almost looked like an eagle… Back to the front of the book to find the symbol and its meaning…
“The Eagle. The big picture. The elevated perspective which reveals more than we can see and comprehend from the perspective of life…”
The glyph of that day, and the day before, which was explained in the Mayan symbology by love, sexuality and seed planting, and the individual glyphs of Malia and AJ, would become a moko, a tattoo that AJ would wear on his forearm for the rest of his life. One small, tangible gesture, and a reminder of the depth and significance of the massive events of this time, and also symbolic of his lack of understanding, for the 13 moon calendar had not been an interest of his, but one of hers, and even as he didn’t understand why she fell, he didn’t yet understand much about the symbols he would wear in his skin.
It was three weeks before AJ ventured away from Stephens place. He’d had a dream, which called him back to his home town, to see some magical people he knew there…. And he supposed that sometime he’d have to go somewhere…
The emotional highlight so far had been from a cat. Bold as you please (just like Malia), it’d jumped up into his van one day when he was getting something. And (just like Malia) it had made itself quite comfortable on his bed, and regarded him, with a posture not unlike Malias. And when he had stroked it and shown it love, it had responded (just like Malia) with a greater return than any being could ever ask. And when his heart broke again, and the tears began to flow, and the sobs became violently passionate, quite unlike any cat he’d ever met before, this one pressed itself hard against his chest, totally un phased by this erratic display of human emotion. It had totally, almost urgently met his passion with purrs and love, and had absorbed all the intensity of his sobbing for hours. Malias Chinese animal was the cat. He looked at it, and it looked at him. The eyes were familiar. He sat up, so did she. He moved around a bit, stretched a bit. So did she. He looked at her, and she looked at him. He lay down again, and she snuggled in close to him. They slept. When he woke, he thought beautiful thoughts to her, and without moving, she began to purr again, loudly. It was intense, and surreal, and beautiful. And when, eventually, he felt inspired to move and do something else, she walked away, and never looked back.
So, three weeks after the funeral, he revived his sleeping van, and began the drive to Christchurch, to answer the dream guidance. Halfway there were hot pools in the mountains. There he went, and soaked, and tried not to think about how much better it would have been if she was there too. Which didn’t work at all. Steadily he felt his despair grow, and soon he couldn’t bear to stay, so he returned to his van, and made to leave, only to find the van totally and completely dead. So he got out to push it, but the vans back wheel was in a hole, and although several times he almost got it out, he never quite could, he’d slip and fall, and then it started to rain… This part of the story you know, if you’ve read part 1, for this is where The Story of Malia and AJ Part 1 was written. In the front seat of a van that wouldn’t start by a river with hot pools in the mountains in the rain in the quiet, all alone. And as soon as it was written, the van started fine…
It’s not always like that now, although sometimes I cry for the pain of the separation. Sometimes I feel her love so strongly, and it’s even better than ever because we’re closer than ever, no longer separated by having different bodies. And in those times our love soars, and I feel her so alive in me. And I stand with a strength blessed by unseen angels, and nothing in this world is remotely difficult or intimidating. And I have no fears, because my worst fears have come to pass, and still I am. And I do not fear death, because should I die, then I shall celebrate my return to purest love and the end of the separation. And to those who would mourn my passing I would say:
“Look into yourself and find that which you most loved about me alive in you!” And I know it will be so, because I have felt it, and if I can, then anyone can. And we will be better people for finding that which we love in ourselves. And then we will realize that we are all connected through our love, which is the force of all creation, and the true nature and name of God. And in such knowledge and experience, we may continue to evolve and grow in life and consciousness, in harmony with and inspired by the realm of pure spirit…
Dreams beget dreams, and at the destination called by the first dream, the second was received, and it was huge.
He’d declined the invitation of a beautiful friend to share her bed on the cold, rainy Christchurch night in question, and had instead elected to huddle tired and cold and a little sick by the dying embers of an apologetic fire. And had tried to sleep that way, and he had felt cold, and alone and abandoned. And he hadn’t done a thing to change that, or even to receive the genuine offer of a beautiful being. And he thought despairing thoughts of Malia, until, without cause or warning, from his pathetic half sleep, he was shocked to consciousness by a plant falling for no reason from its perch on the redundant TV set. Like a slap in the face. He’d stumbled around in the dark for a while, trying to find a light switch, and then cleaned up the broken pot, and, while doing that, he couldn’t help but acknowledge that he was being ridiculous and pathetic, and quite the opposite of what Malia would expect or respect, and on the surge of that knowing, slipped into the bed of his friend, and slipped into the most intense, beautiful lucid dreamtime meeting with his Angel. The intensity and emotion of the dream was such that he woke from it about a dozen times, and every time fell straight back into it... And no questions were answered, but there was joy there again, and tears again, and at least some of the things they had talked about doing together, they did together in the realms of the dreaming.
Everywhere he went it seemed that doors opened for him. Everywhere he met people who were intrigued by his energy and gentle compassion for all things living. But none of that mattered to him at all. He was only half here, inviting death at every turn…
It’s hard to describe the unlimited, unquestionable compassion for all things living that came in the wake of my experience of death. The sense of foolishness of holding a grudge against another, or being hard on ones self for whatever shortcomings or fears or failures we may have judged. We have an unlimited power. A card which one can play an unlimited number of times in any hand of the game of life. It’s called forgiveness. It’s strong in its humility. It asks nothing for itself. It asks nothing in return. It just refreshes, cleans, makes new. And its quiet strength is unbeatable. So profound is its effect, that in some cases, when it has been well played, people talk about it with reverence for thousands of years, and build churches and religions about it. But it’s also yours to play. As often as you like or need to. It heals the self and the all.
“Welcome to life, please find enclosed your infinite supply of forgiveness…”
Weeks later, he was again in the north after returning to the place of the fall, and making a lap of the whole island, gently spending time with those he loved, and those who’d loved Malia.
And the wheels kept on turning, and the planets kept on spinning, and the sun kept on rising.
AJ was picking up the pieces. He’d had no more dreams of her. He wanted to finish the video work he was doing, then take a break from his life. Find a new perspective. So he’d gone to visit a friend in a town he’d never been to before, and several people told him he should meet Johnny. Which was fine. Eventually, over breakfast, his friend, Brad, called Johnny, without any prompting, and told him:
“You should meet this guy AJ…”
“You’re the third person who’s told me that in the last 15 minutes…” Replied Johnny. It was about 9.30 am.
So they met, on a Storm day on the calendar (Malias sign), and on a full moon. He was a nice guy, but there were no fireworks… they hung out and listened to each others music and stories, and sat in the sun… And when AJ was about to leave, and Johnnys partner got home, things got interesting…
She was born clairvoyant. She channeled spirits. She was blown away. She could barely contain herself as she described Malia, her energy and vibrance, her power and enthusiasm, her grace and her love. She asked:
“How long has she been transcended?”
“Six weeks…” Replied AJ.
Astonishment.
“I’ve never seen such a clear strong spirit after such a short time….” Was all that Karen said about that.
She relayed messages of love, total togetherness, connection, the soul agreement. She said that they’d always been twin souls, and that for the work of this lifetime it was necessary that one be in the physical, and one in the spiritual. She laughed when AJ asked whether it was possible for him to hold her to him in a way that would limit or restrict her, by thinking of her or reaching to her essence in meditations and the like… She replied that:
“Malia’s always with you. 24 / 7! That was the deal. That was the arrangement, the agreement. You’ve just forgotten it! That’s all. Wow, she’s so excited! She’s so vibrant!! She loves you so much! The necklace, the necklace…”
AJ showed her some necklaces, including one he’d put on the day before the fall…
“Yes this one… This was a sign. See, you two – twin souls, one in each realm…”
AJ could see it in the necklace now.
“And… a stone, blue. Where’s the stone she gave you?”
AJ produced the crystal heart.
“Yes…. She says that your two hearts are one now. You have the same heart. See?”
She turned the heart sideways… In a way AJ had never looked at it before.
“This is her” – she pointed to the slightly translucent side, where deep blues could be seen in certain lights or under water…
“And this is you…” – the other side. A dull grey.
“See where they meet, they are the same heart…”
And on she went, giving elaborate metaphors and unknowable details of their journey together, as AJ cried and cried…
Life is a crazy ride. A magical mystical journey. Only the foolish, arrogant or naive could believe that they know what the future may hold for them. Another jump in time. I’m now in Brunswick heads, about to embark on the next leg of the adventure. To sail to the islands. Which was something I thought we’d do together, and now I guess we will… differently to how I imagined. The first time we talked, I was in the midst of my island dreaming. She grew up on a tiny island, Tuvalu, just below the equator. When I told her I was going to sail to the islands, she told me I could be in her crew, as she was going to sail to the islands too. I told her ok, but if I was ready before her, then she could be in my crew. All is in place now, and I don’t much mind if I never come back.
We are working on the boat, myself, Chris, who designed and built it, and who I heard about years ago when I first had the idea of sailing to the islands to make a documentary about the universal language of rhythm, and Louie, an old friend of Malias. So I guess it’s our crew. I‘ve been welcomed on board, and offered free passage, and I feel Malia quietly smiling behind the scenes again.
So I sign off this part of the journey with a note of thanks, an air of excitement, and an unstuck feeling of freedom and adventure which suggests that the best is yet to come, and that still, fortune and adventure favor the bold….
And we laugh with a surrendered nuttyness, for the excitement, the adventure to come, the life, and the love, and the freedom…
AJ and Malia.